Ouch Christmas Podcast – December 2008
bbc.co.uk/ouch/podcast

Presented by Mat Fraser and Liz Carr

The Ouch Podcast is a download from the BBC. For more information, and our terms of use, go to bbc.co.uk/ouch.

[Laurence Clark festive interlude: It was the night before Christmas 
And all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse Hush, it’s the Ouch Christmas Podcast Party!] 

[Jingle]
You’re so special we’ve made a podcast for you
Disabled people can have fun too
They can do anything we can do
Say thank you to the BBC
Dry your eyes and listen in
To people just like you
Confined to a website
The Ouch Podcast

LIZ	Is that Father Christmas? 	
mAT	I think it was. 	
LIZ	No I think it’s Damon’s guide dog. 	
MAT	Ah Beckett.	
LIZ	Ah look at him, hello Beckett. I’m Liz Carr.	
MAT	And I’m Mat Fraser in an especially Christmassy mood today aren’t we… 	
LIZ	Welcome.	
MAT	… why is that Liz? 	
LIZ	Because it’s Christmas!	
MAT	It’s the Christmas podcast listeners, welcome one and all.	
LIZ	I love this time of year. What have we got? 	
MAT	We’ve got a lot. 	
LIZ	Really?	
MAT	What have we got - I’ll tell you. We’ve got a festive broadcast from podcasting house in London. Ever wondered why we kiss under the mistletoe? 	
LIZ	No. 	
MAT	And did you know Santa’s Dad was crippled? Disability is rife in Christmas folklore and our very own Rob Crossan will be revealing all in about ten minutes. 	
LIZ	Have you seen Alex in Casualty yet? 	
MAT	No. 	
LIZ	Disabled actor Luke Hamill plays the brother of doctor Adam Truman in a complicated story arc about car crashes and childhood. We’ll be meeting Luke later and maybe he’ll tell us arc actually means. 	
MAT	At 3:00pm on Christmas Day as tradition will dictate the Queen will be giving her annual account of the Royal year to the Commonwealth on BBC1 and ITV as usual, but today, right here and right now our own very special Queen Elizabeth will be giving her account of the disabled year in a very special message, so stay tuned for that. 	
LIZ	After my not so royal speech we’ll be partying, oh yes, and I believe playing a bit of a quiz too Mat? 	
MAT	Possibly. 	
LIZ	Really? 	
mAT	You’ll learn more about that later. And we’ll be rounding the show off in traditional fashion with a carol from the students at New College Worcester. 
[Playing carol]
[Singing] Lord Jesus ah!	
LIZ	That’s weird they sound just like sighted singers. 	
MAT	They don’t sound particularly blind actually do they? 	
LIZ	No. I expected more. 	
MAT	Maybe they’ve had to learn the lyrics in advance. In fact that’s what they’ve done every lesson for the last term is learn the lyrics. We’re… oh no it’s your turn. 	
LIZ	Yes that’s the choir. 	
MAT	Can I get through the opening menu without making a mistake - no!	
LIZ	That’s the choir and we’ll be playing out with that peacefully later. 	
MAT	It was very calming wasn’t it? 	
LIZ	It was beautiful we’re so relaxed. 	
mAT	I feel all tranquil. 	
LIZ	We’re on the web yes at bbc.co.uk/ouch check out message boards, cartoon, articles and growing archive of this very podcast. Apparently there are some changes afoot for the podcast next year - ah ha.	
MAT	What!	
LIZ	I guess we’ll just that to wait and see what that means. 	
MAT	Hmm! Email us with anything you’d like to ouch@bbc.co.uk is the address as you probably know by now, and we’d like you to drop us a New Year’s wish and tell us who you are and where you’re listening perhaps. 	
LIZ	It’s good to see you. 	
MAT	It’s great to see you Liz as well, sorry for ruffling my papers… little arms. 	
lIZ	Have you been off flying around doing all sorts Matthew? 	
MAT 	I have, I’ve been back to New York again. 	
LIZ	You’re spending a lot of time across the pond. 	
MAT	I am, I am and I think I ought to explain why Liz. What it is is that… 	
LIZ	Come on tell me. 	
mAT	It’s hard to explain I’m having a bit of… 	
lIZ	Not to worry but come on tell Auntie Liz.	
MAT	… a Tony Blackburn moment here listeners. 	
LIZ	Okay. [Humming] Our Tune. 	
MAT	No it’s not Our Tune it’s not sad, it’s… okay I can’t do it when you’re doing Our Tune sorry, please don’t remind me of Simon Bates although he was a very fine broadcaster.	
LIZ	You’ve got the same facial hair as him. 	
mAT	Yeah copyright you’ve done your 30 seconds that’s enough, which is my wife of 16 years and I have decided to part company as a romantic couple. Now we’re not the most normal of people as you know Liz, and so to everyone’s shock, and I know this is probably shocking to you because I'm breaking the news to you live on air, but as everybody knows we’re not very normal people, quite weird in fact are we considered by most people and we found it reasonably easy to decide to stay living together as friends. Obviously, the transition in our relationship between lovers to just friends has been a bit tricky and difficult and not without its bumps, but we’ve arrived and we’re quite happy about it. And she’s a woman of 44 we hadn’t been… 	
LIZ	I’m sure she’ll be thrilled about you telling everyone her age, that’s so lovely. 	
MAT	Let me finish. 	
LIZ	She’s a woman of 44… 	
MAT	I’m a lot older. 	
LIZ	… but she’s still got a few good years in her. Is that what you’re saying? 	
MAT	No not at all. 	
LIZ	She should find someone. 	
MAT	It’s all right Millie, put the slogan back down. Millie Tant do you remember her? Anyway… 	
LIZ	Bless her. 	
MAT	Yeah I liked her. Point is she’s 44 dead sexy and we hadn’t been doing it a lot frankly Liz… 	
LIZ	Is this like a call out for… 	
MAT	… for the last three years so she’s off on to… 	
LIZ	This is now like maybe a bit far Mat.	
MAT	No listen, wait I’m trying to make it sensitive and nice and… 	
LIZ	But it’s so not. 	
MAT	… you’re turning it into a hideous comedy. 	
LIZ	If this is you trying to be sensitive it’s a wonder you stayed together for 16 years to be perfectly honest. 	
MAT	wait... 	
LIZ	For God’s sake. 	
MAT	… desperately trying to claw it back. 	
LIZ	Look the truth is. 	
MAT	I’m sweating stop. 	
LIZ	The truth is you’re going out with someone in New York, you’re still friends with your ex-wife, you’re living together as friends… 	
MAT	Yeah but I need you to know… 	
LIZ	… and it’s lovely. 	
MAT	Yes and the listeners to know just as a coda to that, but it is lovely and it’s all great, is that she’s happily playing the fields of singledom with aplomb ladies and gentlemen. 	
LIZ	Can I move on? 	
MAT	Hm-mm. 	
LIZ	Thank you. Car clamping… 	
MAT	I’m sweating. 	
LIZ	He’s absolutely sweating. 	
MAT	Well you’ve hauled me over the coals on that.	
LIZ	No it’s the warm crackling Christmas fire we’ve got in here, that’s what it is. Mat, there’s something I have to tell you about. 	
MAT	Come on, hit me. 	
LIZ	I can’t reach. 	
MAT	And your hand would snap if you did. 	
LIZ	It would. I saw a part of myself I’m a bit ashamed of very recently okay? It was at home… 	
MAT	Where are we going with this? 	
LIZ	No I lost my temper in a way I never knew was humanly possible. 	
MAT	Ooh you don’t do that Liz. 	
LIZ	I’m quite mild mannered I think. 	
MAT	You are. 	
LIZ	I know that sounds weird, but I am. Right I’m at home and it’s the morning okay...	
MAT	Yeah. 	
LIZ	I’m not my best, I’ve got my bonkers bed hair right?	
MAT	Right yes. 	
LIZ	I’ve got a nightie on, a sweatshirt and bed socks okay? 	
MAT	Lovely. 	
LIZ	I’m hearing on my little… so I’ve got a place in front of my house where I can park my car, it’s private… 	
MAT	I know. 	
LIZ	… property right you’ve seen it yeah, okay. I’m hearing chains, I’m hearing the clink not of Christmas chains but the heavy handed chains of the clamping man. 	
MAT	Oh okay, but you’ve got your badge up haven’t you? 	
LIZ	No because I don’t want it to be stolen. Plus it is private property right? No don’t you give me that hiss like you’re on his side. 	
mAT	I’m not on his side. 	
LIZ	I can feel the anger welling up now, don’t do this. 	
MAT	I’m always on your side. 	
LIZ	So my PA opens the door, out I wheel into the middle of the area of where the car is right, “What are you doing, this is private property, I’ve got a blue badge” “Well it’s not out there,” “No because I don’t want it stolen” the whole thing and all that he just carried on doing it, they wham a sticker on the window that’s it. I’m incensed I’m calling the police, this is illegal right?	
MAT	Quite right because it is illegal isn’t it to clamp… 	
LIZ	It is if you’ve got the badge displayed.	
MAT	Ah!	
LIZ	… I didn’t right. So I go in I ring them up I said, “I don’t give a **** whatever about zero tolerance” yeah what it is this is… 	
MAT	A ruddy heck.	
LIZ	Absolutely. And I ended up hanging up on her. I’m really I’m absolutely incensed. So I go out, I wheel back out they’ve now, they’re taking pictures, they’ve done the deed they’re taking pictures and I just go out there and I call these two guys the worst possible thing you can possibly call someone. “You’re both ****.” Okay? 	
MAT	You didn’t!	
LIZ	I absolutely did. Bear in mind I’m in my little nightie and my bed socks, I must have looked so scary that this bonkers wheelchair woman is out there. 	
MAT	Yeah. 	
LIZ	Okay. Five minutes later I’m very, very stressed I had to say to my PA “I’m so sorry you’ve got to see your boss like this, nobody should do that” you know and “by the way can you make sure I’ve got knickers on now” because I was a bit worried about my nightie you know if that could have flown up. So anyway my PA goes, “Liz, Liz something’s happened the guy’s on the phone” I go out there, I wheel back out there and say, “What’s happening?” I’m in a real ‘mare, he goes, “It’s all right sweetheart I’m sorting it out, you’ll be fine.” 	
MAT	Wow!	
LIZ	What do we learn about that though Mat right. If you want your own way lose your temper, call people whatevers and the guy was absolutely lovely. I called him all sorts had been very rude to him and absolutely… but it turns out the reason why when they were on the phone they’d been not to clamp, there’s two parking bays that have wheelchairs on them, wheelchair symbol on them they’d been told… they hadn’t been told to leave them alone whereas they should have legally left them alone. And that’s… so whereas I was in the right… 	
MAT	And it was their boss’s fault not actually their fault. 	
LIZ	I guess. But I was so, I you know I’ve never felt that angry I don’t know if you… 	
MAT	Yeah I’m no stranger to fury Liz. Yeah wow. 	
lIZ	Man, so that was good but I won so I felt gracious and… 	
MAT	It’s depressing though isn’t it to have corroborated the knowledge that we know that unless you do shout and scream and swear often you don’t get justice. 	
LIZ	I think the worst thing is, Mat, [whispering] I quite enjoyed it. 	
MAT	The power. 	
LIZ	I think I’ve unleashed the beast within. 	
MAT	Uh-ha you know what they say? 	
LIZ	What? 	
MAT	Never give cripples power they abuse it. 	
LIZ	I’ve got a present for you. 	
mAT	That was a strange link. 	
LIZ	Because I’m about to give you power. 	
MAT	Okay. 	
LIZ	Okay so last month what did I give you? 	
MAT	You gave me Elvis shades with… 	
LIZ	I gave you crips. 	
MAT	Oh the crips the bag… 	
LIZ	I gave you a bag of crips. 	
MAT	I’m sorry I ate them on the way home and thus forgot. 	
LIZ	Yes look…	
MAT	Whereas the shades… 	
LIZ	Look what I’ve got you this month. 	
MAT	Okay. Let me move away we can hear that.	
LIZ	Okay it’s a bag. 	
MAT	Okay let me describe it, it’s a bag of what looks like jelly babies but no upon further inspection the babies are in fact comedy pensioners and they’re called Jellyatrics where do you come up with these bizarre sweets?	
LIZ	How fantastic is that? Brian Bashful, Bill Bird, Frau Zimmer she is on a zimmer frame. 	
MAT	How… oh my God… can open, no he can’t. 	
LIZ	Can you? 	
MAT	No. 	
LIZ	Can either of us? 	
MAT	Can we get a PA in please? 	
LIZ	Can we have someone in we can’t open them. Don’t send Gideon. They’re sending Gideon. 	
MAT	Oh God today though we meant.	
lIZ	Oh dear God. Gideon’s coming in… 	
MAT	Here comes Gideon. 	
LIZ	… which is all lovely but to be honest… 	
MAT	By the way… 	
LIZ	… he can’t walk property. 	
MAT	Hey Gids how it going my man? 	
LIZ	Hey Gideon. 	
GIDEON	All right. 	
LIZ	Hi. 	
MAT	Yeah all right. 	
LIZ	Fancy a Jellyatric? 	
GIDEON	If I can open them. 	
LIZ	They’re all old people it says best before 1953 it’s nice. 	
GIDEON	I did it!	
LIZ	Whey hey! 	
GIDEON	So chuffed. 	
LIZ	Don’t let the DLA know. 	
GIDEON	You can’t see that smile on my face. No. 	
MAT	Can you maybe tell the difference between… 	
LIZ	Do you get DLA?	
GIDEON	No. 	
LIZ	Oh well that’s good because you’d have it taken away now. 	
GIDEON	There you go. 	
LIZ	It’s sort of ruined… would you like one?	
GIDEON	Oh yes I think I deserve it. 	
LIZ	Yeah I think you do, go on. 	
GIDEON	For my opening the bag heroics. He looks like an old man. 	
MAT	He’s taken a black one. 	
LIZ	Dropping my script. The red one’s got a walking stick. 	
MAT	I think this one’s got a tumour on his shoulder. 	
lIZ	It’s called goitre - I don’t know what that means. I like the way they’re so stereo--… oh look this is the one - describe her. 	
MAT	The yellow one - hey that’s Frau Zimmer if ever I saw her happily codun, codun, coduning her way to Christmas. Ah. I’m going to leave Frau Zimmer on top of my microphone. 	
LIZ	Maybe for our guests later we shall be passing them out. They are available in all good shops around the UK and hopefully abroad. 	
MAT	Are you their new spokesperson or something? 	
LIZ	I think they’re fantastic, I do love them. 	
mAT	Very close to advertising Liz and this is the BBC. We’ve been in the lot of trouble over the last year I think it’s slightly irresponsible of you to start advertising commercial goods on the BBC. They’re no better than any other jelly based sweets. 	
LIZ	No that’s absolutely right. 	
MAT	Oh my God I’ve just eaten… right if these have got gelatine in these, let’s look at the ingredients shall we? 	
LIZ	Oh here we go again. [Humming]	
MAT	[Vomiting noise] I can never eat another one of those again. 	
LIZ	They also have reindeer meat in them as well. So sorry I forgot to tell you that. 	
mAT	Golly okay. 	
LIZ	I’ve got one with a flat cap - anyone? No. 	
MAT	I don’t know. 	
LIZ	Next section? 	
MAT	Yes please. I’ve got… oh well we’ve done that great. 	
lIZ	You retching now? 	
MAT	Well I can’t pretend to be able to taste the cow hoof in the sweets but I’m aware that that’s where it’s come from. Molten down cows feet because they can’t use those in the leather or meat industry. 	
LIZ	Yadda yadda. So where are you spending Christmas? 	
MAT	Well I’m spending… well I don’t, as you know, celebrate Christmas, won’t bang on about it for the third year in a row, at home and it is going to be, for the aforementioned domestic difference… 	
LIZ	Where will you be around the 25 December? 	
MAT	At home on the sofa… 	
LIZ	Separate sofas.	
MAT	With an exotic cheroot in my hand. 	
LIZ	Separate sofas.	
MAT	Separate sofas.	
LIZ	Like not love seats no? 	
MAT	No we won’t be having the nightingale seats anymore, thank you for that Liz. 	
LIZ	Maybe like you’ll be in an armchair and she’ll be… 	
MAT	Sitting on a stool with a hood over her head in the corner. 	
lIZ	Eating gelatine sweets. 	
MAT	It’s a very cruel picture of my household that you’ve painted for the listeners, I’d like you to know it’s not like that people. 	
LIZ	But I’d just like to say Happy Christmas to you… 	
MAT	Thank you.	
LIZ	You and your wife. 
[Laurence Clark festive interlude: Oh pity the poor blind children on this Christmas Eve listening out for Santa’s sleigh and wanting to believe. But no do not be sad for them their yuletide will stay merry for they won’t see that Santa is their Dad drunk on cheap sherry.]	
mAT	Hey Rob. 	
ROB	Hello. 	
LIZ	Rob Crossan’s with us. 	
ROB	… Matthew, Elizabeth hello. 	
LIZ	How’s life is it going well? 	
ROB	It’s good, it’s going to be even better when I chew into my jellyatric - hang on a second. 	
LIZ	It’s authentic. 	
MAT	Now while he’s all gum chewy tied. 	
ROB	It’s good it doesn’t… 	
MAT	You’ve just been to America again haven’t you? Have you - nod. He’s nodding. You’ve had Thanksgiving which we don’t have in this country but they have in America and we have a lot of American listeners. What on earth is it about - what is it about Thanksgiving in one sentence? 	
ROB	Thanksgiving is an exercise in competitive eating where you’re not allowed to stop until you vomit. The thing about the food is that it’s great because you don’t need to really put in any effort whatsoever there’s no chewing involved everything’s so soft and mushy, you just need a trough and a spoon and it just sort of slides down your throat gradually. But you don’t actually realise you’re full until you’ve eaten a good eight pounds of the thirteen and a half pound turkey, which we got in… 	
MAT	Wow!	
ROB	… which was injected with, I don’t know, crispy cream doughnuts and crack and it was just unbelievable yes. 	
MAT	God bless America. 	
ROB	So I’m feeling a little bit podgy but yes God bless America. 	
LIZ	Let’s give thanks. 	
ROB	And all its obese inhabitants. 	
MAT	Now what the ruddy heck to use Liz’s aforementioned swear words, are you doing here? 	
ROB	I’m here, not to do news this month… 	
MAT	Oh!	
ROB	… because frankly… 	
LIZ	No news is good news.	
ROB	… it’s Christmas and no news is good news indeed. 	
MAT	That’s what I always say. 	
ROB	So I’m hear to do some stories about myths and legends relating to Christmas all of which have a disabled theme.  	
MAT	Well we do cripples do crop up in myths and legends quite a lot don’t they?	
ROB	Hm-mm. 	
LIZ 	Do they? 	
ROB	Worryingly so. 	
LIZ	Okay I want to know then it says Iceland folklore says Santa’s Dad was disabled?	
ROB	You could say that but that would be so close to a lie I’d probably have to… 	
LIZ	Okay. 	
ROB	… yeah refute that. We’re talking about an Icelandic 17th Century legend here. 	
MAT	Great!	
ROB	Yeah always popular. 	
LIZ	Love them. 	
ROB	Gryla and Leppaludi great names, Leppaludi’s one you should remember because not only was he bedridden… 	
LIZ	Ah ha there’s the disability. 	
ROB	There’s the disabled theme - he also had a quite a penchant for eating children. But, obviously, bedridden couldn’t really do much himself; so Gryla, his wife, would go around the forests or I would imagine the tundras of ancient Iceland, finding children, kidnapping them, bringing them home, putting them in the pot and feeding them, spoon feeding them probably to Leppaludi in bed while he, I don’t know, watched Blankety Blank or whatever was on TV in those days. 	
LIZ	Murder She Wrote I think was going back then. 	
ROB	Essentially the disabled theme continues in the sense that they had 13 children of their own which they didn’t eat for some reason. These 13 children of their own they would go all around Iceland and they’d be quite scary because they… what are you doing?	
LIZ	It’s fine carry on, I’m just, like, not happy. 	
ROB	You’re not happy? 	
LIZ	No it’s just you know.	
ROB	Is the story frightening you?	
LIZ	It is quite actually. 	
ROB	Are you sure. Have you got any protective ear muffs? 	
LIZ	No carry on. 	
ROB	Okay. So these 13 children would go all over Iceland and apparently what their job was, was to disrupt Christmas and make random acts of violence and vandalism and sabotage. So what they’d do would be things like stealing the food, dirtying clothes, stealing candles - each one of these little children had to do something to wreck an Icelandic family Christmas all the country. And, obviously, parents would be telling children these stories about Leppaludi and they’d get rather frightened understandably. So over the centuries the story’s become somewhat diluted; and so these days they still believe in Iceland that there are these 13 children, sons and daughters of Leppaludi and Gryla, but these days they’re rather nice and the leave presents for the nice children and leave a potato for the naughty kids. But as for what happened to Leppaludi whether all that gorging on Icelandic children killed him or cured him nobody knows.  	
MAT	Well it sounds harsh although if you think about what happens in Holland traditionally you have, if you’ve been a good kid, Saint Nicholas comes and gives you a present, but if you’ve become a bad kid Black Pete comes and beats you with a stick. 	
ROB	Black Pete!	
MAT	Yes and if you go to rural Holland or smaller towns in Holland they have this festival where half the townsmen black up and dress as Black Pete… 	
LIZ	No way. 	
MAT	… with the stick and parade through the town going, “It’s just a bit of fun.” I have to tell you it doesn’t look like that but you know… 	
ROB	It looks like not a bit of fun but…  	
MAT	… Dutch listeners perhaps you… 	
ROB	… a lot of racism. 	
MAT	Perhaps you can educate us to the better, Dutch listeners. 	
ROB	Actually no don’t bother. I don’t want to know.	
MAT	You’re all racist. 	
ROB	Don’t defend yourself, you can email Ouch but only to apologise. 	
MAT	For being so orange.	
LIZ	I need to know this - we wouldn’t be kissing at Christmas if it wasn’t for the blind.	
ROB	Eh!	
LIZ	They like to take the blame for everything don’t they or the credit. 	
ROB	Oh so here we go it’s the old blind Norse god called Hod. 	
MAT	Hod. 	
ROB	And the myth goes a little git like this. Apparently there was a goddess called Frigg who had a… 	
MAT	Right, stop right there. 	
ROB	Oh Mat you’re so childish. 	
MAT	She was the one who snorted with derision.  	
ROB	Yeah but she gets it from you. 	
MAT	Okay come on. Goddess called Frigg, no comment moving on. 	
ROB	So Frigg it’s the name, over protective mother that she was, she had a bit of a thing about her son who was called Balder. Frigg was so paranoid that all this harm and anything in the world would damage Balder that she made a pledge with every item and object and creature in the world that they would never ever harm her son. Now the only thing that she forgot or neglected to make the pledge with was mistletoe because she thought mistletoe was just too insignificant and would never do Balder any harm. But Loki, a local trickster, he discovered this loophole and he made an arrow from a mistletoe branch which he gave to Hod. Now Hod was Balder’s brother who was blind, wouldn’t have thought he’d be a very good shot but with Loki’s help guiding the arrow the arrow went straight into Balder’s heart and killed him. And a distraught and outraged mother, Frigg, remember the name, banished mistletoe to the treetops as a punishment. 
But as all these stories tend to have a happy ending at Christmas time, the gods duly brought back Balder back to life - hooray. And Frigg was so overjoyed that she made mistletoe a symbol of love, which is why we stand underneath it and snog people we don’t really fancy at Christmas time. So thank you blindy god Hod. 	
MAT	Ah. 	
LIZ	Wow!	
MAT	That was an amazing rip roaring course… 	
LIZ	It was like an episode of EastEnders wasn’t it? 	
MAT	A bit like Scandinavian EastEnders. 	
LIZ	Yes. 	
MAT	From the 13th Century. 	
LIZ	Yes that’s what it would be like. 	
MAT	17th Century sorry. 	
ROB	It’s almost a direct parallel isn’t it? 	
LIZ	Yes. 	
MAT	And it says here, I’ll just read it as it says, “The original mutant reindeer” what on earth? 	
ROB	Well I don’t know about reindeer, we’re pushing the truth a little bit. It’s basically an eight legged horse. Now I’ve never seen a picture of this horse, you would have thought maybe a horse with eight legs might be an advantage rather than a disability, but on the other hand if the excess four legs are positioned on its ear or it’s back…	
MAT	Yes I was going to say it depends where they are. 	
ROB	… it’s probably a bit rubbish. Yeah I’d say that’s one disabled… 	
MAT	I’ve never seen that dog on one of those famous magazines. That horse rather. 	
ROB	Horse yes. 	
MAT	Is it a dog or a horse? I’m thinking about Hod still sorry. Hod isn’t God and the dog isn’t a horse. 	
ROB	Yes. Keeping up with this listeners? There’s another…  	
MAT	An eight legged horse! 	
ROB	A Scandinavian myth and legend that the original Father Christmas was actually a fella called Woden who was a god of magic. He rode across the sky on his eight legged horse who was called Sleipnir in mid winter, Woden, and Sleipnir the eight legged horse, not a reindeer a horse, would come down the smoke hole in the form of Father Christmas to dispense goodwill, peace, plenty and presents. And this is, obviously, pre-Christian times and Christians they stole this myth when they turned the 4th Century Turkish Bishop Nicholas into a saint. And then, obviously, the Americans took it even further and turned it into Santa Claus. But the original pre-Christian Father Christmas did not ride a reindeer he rode an extremely disabled horse and I think we all need to know that. 	
LIZ	Ah one of us. 	
MAT	One of us. 	
LIZ	We’re part of everything aren’t we, we are everywhere. 	
ROB	Deep down. 	
MAT	Wow!	
ROB	The truth just doesn’t always come out, the truth’s been forgotten that’s all. 	
MAT	We have had Leppaludi, Loki’s loophole, the 13 elves, Frigg and Hod and Woden and Sleipnir that is a hell of a… that feels so Scandinavian. 	
ROB	Doesn’t it make you proud? 	
LIZ	I want to go to a large superstore that sells cheap furniture. 	
MAT	I want to watch the ladies football. 	
ROB	Football!	
MAT	They have a lot of ladies football in Scandinavia. 	
ROB	Oh right, okay. 	
MAT	They’re very good at it. 	
LIZ	I want to watch ladies football. 	
MAT	I'm sure you do.	
LIZ	Rob, are you going to join us later for the quiz? 	
ROB	Oh I’d love to you know how knowledgeable I am. 	
LIZ	I believe we’re going head to head in a battle of the sexes. 	
ROB	In no way will this be public humiliation. 
[Laurence Clark festive interlude: 
Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about 
Deep, crisp and even
Brightly shown the moon that night
Though the frost was harsh 
A cripple bravely crossed the ice
But then fell upon his arse.] 

MAT	Well coming soon we’ve got the quiz but now in the studio we have got for interview Mr Luke Hamill from Casualty. 	
LIZ	Whey hey hey!	
LUKE	Hello, hello guys. 	
LIZ	Hello there. We have to ask you, you know this is our Christmas podcast what will you be doing for Christmas Luke? 	
LUKE	I am going to be at home with the family and having a really quiet one having some time out. 	
LIZ	Very traditional kind of Christmas for you? 	
LUKE 	Yeah, eat all day long.	
LIZ	Yes of course. 	
LUKE	Drink all day long and watch loads of telly. 	
LIZ	Party games? 	
LUKE	Yeah why not? 	
MAT	Do you have any aunts and uncles coming? 	
LUKE	Yeah we get a few visitors family, go out, well actually we stay in on Christmas Day they come to us, people come to us.	
MAT	Can I come? 	
LUKE	Yeah definitely. 	
LIZ	He’s just recently broken up with his wife and… 	
LUKE	If the food is good all day long. 	
MAT	Can we talk about this? 	
LIZ	Can we? 	
MAT	Okay. The BBC’s long running Saturday night medical drama, Casualty, has got a new face disabled character Alex Truman. He ended the show at the very end of November playing Dr Adam’s brother and it seems his guilty secret. As children they were in a devastating car crash which killed their parents and left Alex paralysed. 	
LIZ	Well here’s a clip from the first appearance where we hear Adam visiting Alex at the sheltered housing place where he lives. Alex is attempting to open a can of beer while they speak. 
Adam: I’ve been a really rubbish brother haven’t I? 
Alex: You’ve been busy. 
Adam: When did that happen? 
Alex: I have good days and bad days.
Adam: Does it affect your… I mean how about your painting? 
Alex: I use my mouth. 	
MAT	So why is Dr. Adam so screwed up about his brother? 	
LUKE	I think it’s just something which he’s put to the back of his mind, he’s just tried to move on with and felt guilty about it and it’s just often easier than facing things isn’t it? 	
MAT	I guess so. 	
LIZ	It’s a storyline that’s just come in. It started on Saturday? 	
LUKE	Yeah we just transmitted the first one on Saturday. 	
LIZ	Okay. And how long is this going on - so is this going to be a long term story? 	
LUKE	Yeah it’s running, we’ll be running for a while so the drama’s just starting yeah. 	
LIZ	Wow okay. So I want to ask you because I was reading up about you and you became disabled in an accident. 	
LUKE 	That’s right. 	
LIZ	Yeah. So was it painful playing a role being a disabled person who’s been in an accident as well? Was all that hard for you?  	
LUKE	I didn’t… wasn’t involved with the accident scene, the shooting I watching it back on Saturday with keen interest… 	
LIZ	I bet. 	
LUKE	… because I hadn’t seen that, and that was me and my brother Adam he was having all the flashbacks to the original scene. So I was watching it for the first time and seeing how well shot it was. But I didn’t have that problem of flashing back to my own time. And as well as that I don’t remember because I had a head injury so I don’t remember the few weeks in and around my accident or the few weeks afterwards. 	
LIZ	Yeah. So it’s quite weird it’s sort of like… 	
LUKE	It is a bit if you think about yeah. 	
LIZ	I’m fascinated by that 	
LUKE	No I wasn’t really thinking about that but yeah. 	
LIZ	Well we’ve got, shall we go to the clip we’ve got another clip.	
MAT	Yeah let’s have the next one. 	
LIZ	Where Alex is trying to teach your brother that being disabled isn’t the end of the world, Adam’s voice comes first in the clip. 
Adam: Do you remember what it was like to walk? 
Alex: It’s not what matters anymore. You know that - regrets are a waste of space. Get over it I have. To us and Mum and Dad. We owe it to them to keep happy. You, particularly, you’ve got to live it for all of us.  	
MAT	Something I think that will be familiar to many listeners, that little scenario. So, Luke, how did you and your family come to terms with your life change? 	
LUKE	Just time I suppose, just time is the great healer. And then just what else can you do it’s not something you have a choice about; you just get on with it. And you realise that it’s not… being in that moment is not as bad as worrying about it and thinking about what it might be. I mean that’s what I’ve noticed with other people I think they’re a lot more precious about my disability than I am. 	
MAT	Hell yeah. 	
LUKE	Do you know what I mean? 	
LIZ	It’s like dealing with other people is the big deal often isn’t it? 	
LUKE	Yeah. So you’re not thinking about it, it’s just that they’re always thinking about it.	
MAT	It’s all they can think about yeah. 	
LUKE	Exactly. 	
MAT	When you were shooting, like ‘on the floor’ as they call it in the ‘biz’ apparently. 	
LIZ	He likes to pretend he’s got a TV career. 	
MAT	You’re so cruel Elizabeth. 	
LUKE	Oh he has it’s brilliant I’ve seen it. 	
LIZ	I’m sorry. 	
MAT	You are really horrible ‘it’ anyway. 	
LUKE	We haven’t worked yet and I’d love to work with you I must say. 	
MAT	Maybe we will, who knows. 	
LUKE	Yeah I hope so yeah. 	
MAT	You might find me trotting down the very halls of Holby before you know it. “Now where is he the other one?” 	
LIZ	“The one that got the long part eh? I was in for one episode with fake arms yet again.” So after your accident you went into you worked in the City is that right? 	
LUKE	I did for a couple of years yeah. 	
MAT	When did you get out, recently? Do you still have a few stocks and shares in everything? 	
LUKE	Don’t we all?  	
MAT	Well no most of us don’t. 	
LUKE	And some level pensions… 	
LIZ	What were you actually doing? 	
LUKE	I was working in corporate banking back office, oh God no don’t want to think… I didn’t enjoy it, it wasn’t that… I wasn’t cut out for it.	
LIZ	It wasn’t for you. So how did you then make this leap to getting into acting? 	
LUKE	I’d done a bit of TV documentary while I was at university with the BBC, local BBC there. And it was soon after the City I just right after that Aspire, a charity of which I’m now a Trustee, that’s a spinal injuries charity, they had a call and I was at their premises and they wanted somebody that week to film for a commercial. So it was just literally I’d quit that job and… 	
LIZ	It was that kind of like… wow	
MAT	Remind me what was the commercial without saying the products? 	
LUKE	It was an insurance company. 	
MAT	Luke, what’s next?	
LUKE	What’s next - I’m up for a presenting job. 	
MAT	Oh can you say what it is or would that… 	
LUKE	No.	
MAT	My mother who’s an actress never agrees with saying what it is before you’ve got the gig.	
LUKE	It’s all that I don’t want to say too much and I’d like to get involved with a film maybe a film which my friend is producing. 	
LIZ	So there’s things there… 	
LUKE	Yeah bits and bobs. 	
LIZ	… happening in the future. 	
LUKE	And scriptwriting, I’d like to get involved with some scriptwriting yeah so do some courses in scriptwriting. 	
LIZ	As a bit of teaser for our listeners, Luke, I want to know can you give us a bit more about the storyline come on, we know you’re in there… 	
MAT	Just a little bit more. 	
LIZ	… we know you’re in sheltered accommodation and your brother’s going to start to know you again but what’s going to happen, we want to know more. 	
LUKE	What can I say without spoiling it for the viewers because it’s just going to… 	
MAT	Lie!	
LUKE	Well yeah well we just there’s me and Tristan and there’s me and my main stuff is played out with - I just don’t want to say, but he’s just another fantastic actor in that show who… I’ll give you a clue he was in it prominent on Saturday just gone, the episode just gone. 	
MAT	Huh-ha. 	
LIZ	So it’s really about your… 	
LUKE	A very prominent actor in it. 	
LIZ	… your relationship with your brother and your reawakening of that relationship. 	
LUKE	And one of the doctors as well I really become close to one of the doctors.	
MAT	Oh yes! 	
LUKE	Yeah not in that kind of way, you’re giving me that look Matthew but in a, just in a friendship way which is telling of… we all learn things about each other, we’re all there to learn from each other. And that’s what we are in life isn’t it? 	
LIZ	And were you happy with how they’ve covered disability? Are you happy with the sort of portrayal in this storyline? 	
LUKE	I am because it’s kind of that’s just the storyline but the subtext is so much more than that, the disability is just the plot but underneath it it’s the relationship with my brother and it’s almost got nothing to do with the disability really, looking at it on that level no. 	
LIZ	No it’s not trite it’s not really crass? 	
LUKE	Not at all no, it was great I loved the way they played it. 	
MAT	Did it feel authentic? 	
LUKE	Yeah. 	
MAT	Because often I find that disability stuff isn’t quite as authentic as real life and so it’s always refreshing when it is. 	
LUKE	Well the writer of the first two episodes her brother, and this is the one that I was casting for, because as I read it and the more I read it I was just actually awakened to 18 years ago when I had my car accident feelings I hadn’t had. And I knew that there was some kind of a knowledge, close knowledge, to the subject of paralysis road traffic accident and the writer her brother it had happened to him, so she was well aware of it. And it showed, it showed in the writing and it will show in the episode which is just transmitted and the next one as well and ongoingly. 	
MAT	Great. 	
LIZ	So tell us where can we see it, where can we watch it? 	
LUKE	Where? Oh it’s on Saturday nights BBC1 somewhere around 8:00 o'clock/ten past eight that sort of time it seems to change but around about 8:00 o'clock/ten past eight that’s where I’ll be for the next… long time. 	
LIZ	Ah you’re not giving any… we thought… 	
LUKE	I can’t give it I don’t want to spoil it. 
[Laurence Clark festive interlude: 
It’s snowing children
The world has turned white
Santa and Rudolf are coming tonight
The crippled orphanage is lit up with cheer
To make up for the crap for the rest of the year.]
	
MAT	Now ladies and gentlemen, a message to our crippled Commonwealth from our Queen Elizabeth. 	
LIZ	My loyal subjects, there have been many changes since my last Christmas address to you all. On a personal front I’m now truly a queen. Yes I’ve wheeled out my palatial closet, I’ve replaced my assistant’s corgi with a cat and my Royal Standard is now rainbow coloured. Change can be good. 
There are now more children with Down’s Syndrome being born. It seems that our concerns about pre-natal screening were a storm in a broken teacup. One wonders what other congenital impairment will make a comeback in 2009. 
Minorities have done very well for themselves this year. Not only are we fortunate enough to have a one eyed Prime Minister here in the UK, but across the pond we now have the first President of colour. One was most relieved to see that the usual fashion accessory for world leaders, a crippled child, was not enough to secure election success for Sarah Palin.
In Beijing our inspirational sportsmen and women did a sterling job of representing their Queen and country in the Paralympic games. One was glad that all that ho-ha in Tibet was brushed aside when we started winning medals - Go Team GB. 
Whilst we came in at very respective second place in the Paralympics when it comes to dying we only manage a bronze. The league tables from Dignitas reveal that the UK is third when it comes to sending people to Switzerland to be assisted to die. We really must buck up our ideas. 
It’s been heartening to watch increasing numbers of disabled people appearing on television this year. From beyond boundaries and Big Blind Brother to my personal favourite Britain’s Missing Top Model. With the current welfare reforms I look forward to the next ground breaking reality show - Britain’s Missing Incapacity Benefit Recipients. 
Some changes have not been so good. Despite social care being bankrupt for many years, it remains the only financially crippled institution not to have been bailed out by the Government. It’s been pipped to the post by Woolworth’s. You may not be able to get up, get dressed and get out in 2009, but at least you won’t be short of cheap household goods, CD box sets and pick & mix. 
Other changes have touched us closer to home. Our beloved Ouch family is growing. Roving Rob Crossan has acquired a wife. Damon Rose has become a father and through the wonders of modern medicine and technology disability bitch has taken on human form - we welcome them all to the fold. 
All that remains now is for me to wish each and every one of you peace, love and most importantly good health for the festive season and the year ahead. 
[Jingle: Home is where the heart is at this special, special time. But to the infirm I dedicate the rest of this rhyme. They spend their Christmas in hospital, in pain, unmoved, with chestnuts roasting on an open wound.]	
MAT	Listeners - [party popper] what was the sound of? I’ll tell you it was the crippled sound of the Ouch Christmas Quiz - hooray! Now I’m going to be quizmaster and it’s a girls versus boys or should I say men versus women kind of contest the battle of the sexes, the battle of the crippled sexes. On one team we have Ms Elizabeth Carr and Ms Emma Tracey. 	
EMMA	Hey. 	
LIZ	Hello. 	
MAT	And on the other team we have Mr Gideon Goldberg and Mr Robert Crossan. 	
ROB	Hello. 	
GIDEON	Hello.	
MAT	All right. So feeling excited teams? 	
EMMA	Yes absolutely. 	
LIZ	Oh absolutely. 	
MAT	Now you’re all drinking mulled wine, lovingly mixed by our Irish assistant producer, Emma Tracey. You haven’t put anything in it have you Emma? 	
EMMA	May have done. 	
MAT	Like extra oestrogen or something so that… 	
EMMA	Oh no, no it’s just mulled wine. 	
MAT	Okay and the points are not points they’re minced pies. Are you hungry? 	
EMMA	Yep. 	
LIZ	As somebody with diabetes I’ve got no incentive to win really have I? 	
MAT	The glory of victory Liz. 	
LIZ	Okay that’s what I’m playing for. 	
MAT	Okay so upon the crack… 	
ROB	Liz is demotivated already. 	
EMMA	Come on Liz, come on. 	
LIZ	Yeah, no okay. 	
EMMA	Do it for the team. 	
MAT	Upon the imminent crack of the first party popper to be trust forward into the atmosphere which will say here’s question one. In January an international athletics body banned disabled South African sprinter, Oscar Pistorius, from competing at the Beijing Olympics meaning he had to settle for the Paralympics alone. But do you know what Oscar’s disability related nickname is Emma Tracey? 	
EMMA	I think I’m going to need to confer with my teammate on this one, I can’t believe I don’t know this. 	
MAT	All right they’re conferring listeners, they’re conferring. Liz is trying to lean over. I think I might have to, going to have to rush you.	
EMMA	Is it the Blade Runner? 	
MAT	Correct! 	
LIZ	Yeah hey-hey! 	
MAT	Liz, can you reach I’m going to pass you the mince pie to give to Emma.	
LIZ	I’m trying to reach. 	
MAT	Super yes that’s right, Oscar Pistorius, or Blade Runner, the fastest man on no legs is a double knee or below the knee amputee who runs on specially designed prosthetics. He runs without wearing any footwear - clearly because he has no feet. All right. Next question. At the end of January researchers declared there was a peak age at which British people are most likely to suffer from depression. What is it Gideon Goldberg? 	
GIDEON	I’m feeling wintery, I’m feeling cold, you’re not going to give me any clues are you? 	
MAT	No. 	
GIDEON	I would say, it’s a tough one, December?	
MAT	Hm. Okay. 	
ROB	We’re talking about… 	
LIZ	How much mulled wine have you had? 	
GIDEON	What was the question sorry? 	
MAT	Let me repeat the question. 	
GIDEON	What was the question?	
ROB	Gideon, can we have a word outside? 	
MAT	At the end of January the month after December admittedly, researchers declared there was a peak AGE… 	
GIDEON	Oh!	
MAT	… rather than month, at which British people are most likely to suffer from depression what is it? 	
ROB	It’s not yellow. 	
GIDEON	I’m thinking of numbers. 	
MAT	Hopefully. I’m going to have to rush you. 	
GIDEON	40.	
MAT	40?	
GIDEON	40 - four zero.	
MAT	40 I’m afraid is not the right answer. I’m going to pass it over to the girls. 	
LIZ	Go for it. 	
EMMA	25?	
MAT	25 oh my God are you depressed?	
EMMA	No I’m 26. 	
MAT	Okay because it’s completely wrong. No the correct age is in fact 44. 	
GIDEON	Oh so close. 	
MAT	Although in the USA unhappiness apparently reaches a peak at the age of 40. 	
GIDEON	Oh I’m halfway there, do I get half a mince pie? 	
MAT	No you don’t you’re not American. 	
ROB	But surely the team… 	
MAT	Oh go on then here’s one.	
ROB	... that gets closest to the right answer should be awarded… 	
MAT	Yes indeed can he catch? Well can I throw? 	
GIDEON	No you’re really asking for trouble there. 	
MAT	Thalidomide man throws mince pie to spasa - here we go.	
LIZ	Oh my… yeah [clapping]	
MAT	And now a question for you Elizabeth Carr. 	
LIZ	Huh-ha. 	
MAT	In March a one legged charity campaigner Heather Mills and former Beetle Sir Paul McCartney reached a divorce settlement after protracted court room negotiations, but can you tell me which leg the former Mrs McCartney is lacking? 	
LIZ	I think… 	
MAT	Come on I’m going to have to hurry you. 	
LIZ	I think it’s the left. 	
MAT	Answer - her left leg is amputated just below the knee. Congratulations Elizabeth Carr. 	
EMMA	Get in there Liz Carr. 	
MAT	Here’s your mince pie. 	
LIZ	I know my crippled women. 	
MAT	But what a lot of people don’t know is that her divorce settlement was worth £24.3m and, incidentally, for those of you who are always banging on about the landmines she was actually knocked down by a police motorcycle whilst crossing the road in London in 1993. Not particularly interesting but there you go. 	
LIZ	Nor funny. 	
MAT	Nor funny no. It’s what they call ‘dead air’ in the business isn’t it? Okay moving on. So Mr Rob Crossan, in April outgoing Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott made the headlines for a disability related reason, can you recall what it was, Rob, hm? 	
ROB	Goodness me, was it anything to do with obesity? 	
MAT	No. 	
ROB	Do I get another guess? 	
MAT	No. 	
EMMA	Pass it over, pass it over. 	
MAT	Okay we’ll pass it over. 	
EMMA	Bulimia. 	
LIZ	Yes. 	
MAT	Bulimia John Prescott! 	
LIZ	Who ate all the pies? 	
MAT	It’s the right answer! Well done. Hooray. Now this should be interesting. 	
EMMA	And I get a mince pie.	
LIZ	He’s throwing them. 	
MAT	Yeah but I’m throwing them. 	
EMMA	No, no don’t please. I’m scared. I’m blind, I’m scared don’t throw it. 	
LIZ	Shall I take your mulled wine? Let me take your mulled wine. He’s going to throw it whether you want him to or not. 	
MAT	Now cup your hands. 	
EMMA	No I don’t know how to catch. 	
LIZ	Go on you can do this. 	
EMMA	I don’t know how to cup them. 	
MAT	Cup them away from your black jumper I would suggest because there’s rather a heavy coating of icing sugar. 	
EMMA	I think this is unfair. 	
MAT	Here we go. Ready?	
LIZ	It’s coming your way. 	
MAT	It’s coming over, now keep them together. 	
ROB	Keep the pies coming. 	
MAT	Keep them together and keep them in the same place your hands. Here we go. Oh ooh!	
LIZ	In the lap. 	
MAT	And it bashed off your mic sorry. 	
EMMA	I didn’t catch it by the way. 	
MAT	No it’s on the floor. Hold on just getting it. 	
ROB	I must give praise to Waitrose for the impressively sturdy thud their mince pie makes when it… 	
LIZ	Can we just say that other mince pies are available… 	
ROB	Other mince pies are available but they’re not as good. 	
EMMA	There’s a few crumbs around my direction now. 	
LIZ	Here’s your mulled wine. 	
EMMA	I need it thanks. 	
MAT	Moving on. Can we just have a quick pie count? 	
LIZ	We’ve got three over here. 	
GIDEON	And we’ve got one. 	
MAT	Oh dear three to the women and one to the men. Let’s see if we can do better guys eh? In May - who’s this for I’d say this was for Liz.	
ROB	No I think it’s for Emma. 	
MAT	Okay it’ll be for Emma. Thank you Rob. 	
ROB	Do you want a hand with anything else? 	
MAT	No well I need to pop to the loo later if you wouldn’t mind… in May the human fertilisation and embryology bill was debated in parliament for the first time, it provoked the WRATH of disabled and deaf campaigners - why Emma? 	
EMMA	Oh this is really complicated. 	
MAT	Well? And you’ve got the whole of Southern Ireland clinging on every word or prove that they can do complicated as well. 	
EMMA	And do you know what I don’t know if I even want to get it right because you’re going to throw another pie at me. 	
MAT	I won’t I’ll only gently slide a pie into your hands. 	
EMMA	Okay. Right. 	
LIZ	Oh that’s just wrong. 	
EMMA	Basically something to do with screening… 	
MAT	Going to have to rush you.	
EMMA	… screening out disabled embryos. But not being allowed to screen in disabled or deaf embryos. 	
mAT	I think you’re saying it would make it illegal to choose to implant a foetus which would produce a deaf of disabled child in favour of one which was not disabled - is that right Emma? 	
EMMA	Exactly. 	
MAT	CORRECT! Well done. 	
ROB	What Emma said didn’t sound a bit like that. 	
MAT	Actually now you mention it, actually that wasn’t quite the case and because you’ve claimed victory where it’s not deserved I’m going to have to award the boy’s team one of your penalty pies. 	
ROB	Woo-hoo!	
EMMA	That is not fair.	
MAT	Hand over one of the pies. 	
LIZ	Grab your pies, grab your pies Emma. 	
MAT	Hand one over. 	
EMMA	No. 	
MAT	Gideon take one of the pies. 	
LIZ	Put you hand on your pies, don’t let him take them. 	
GIDEON	I feel really bad to take one. 	
MAT	Just take the pie. 	
GIDEON	Emma’s holding…  	
LIZ	You’re not taking them. 	
GIDEON	… very protectively I don’t … 	
MAT	Emma over here, over here - quick take it. 	
GIDEON	Sorry I’ll give you one… 	
LIZ	If they win you know they’ve cheated. 	
MAT	This one Gideon.. 	
ROB	Gideon grabbed Emma’s pies.	
MAT	Gideon Goldberg this one’s for you, everyone’s listening get it right. In what became a bumpy year for disabled people at reality television June saw not one, but two disabled contestants enter the Big Brother house their names were Darnell and Mikey, but can you remember what was up with them hm? 	
GIDEON	Yeah Mikey’s blind and Darnell has Albinism.  	
MAT	Is word for word perfect. Congratulations! Rob would pass him a pie. 	
EMMA	That was easy. 	
LIZ	That was easy. 	
EMMA	That was easy peasy. 	
LIZ	Like human embryonic bill.	
MAT	I don’t make the rules. 	
EMMA	Against Big Brother. 	
MAT	Yes don’t start…  	
EMMA	I see you didn’t ask… 	
MAT	… griping when you're winning it’s ugly.	
EMMA	I see you didn’t ask me that one. 	
MAT	Well no. Here we go and I think this one would be for Elizabeth. 	
LIZ	That’s right, well done. 	
MAT	In July eight disabled girls battled it out on the BBC3 reality show what title were they hoping to win? 	
LIZ	Britain’s Missing Top Model. 	
MAT	Is correct. 	
LIZ	Oh yes. 	
MAT	Have a pie. 	
LIZ	I can’t believe we’re applauding such dreadful TV programmes. 	
EMMA	I think it’s deserved though. 	
LIZ	Thank you. 	
MAT	Rob Crossan. 	
EMMA	Make it hard. 	
MAT	In August Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe told the world that he’s Dyslexic. According to his spokeswoman his condition is very mild but there are two things in particular he does occasionally have problems with what are they? 	
ROB	Oh!	
MAT	It’s a multiple choice question so here we go. 	
ROB	Phew thank God.	
MAT	Are they hand writing and tying shoe laces or b) using cutlery and reading maps or c) flying broomsticks and using magic wands? 	
ROB	Can I, with all seriousness, opt for a) please?	
MAT	Handwriting and tying shoe laces - CORRECT! All right take a pie. 	
ROB	Oh boy give me the pie, give me a pie.	
MAT	What’s the pie score NOW? 	
GIDEON	We have… 	
ROB	It’s we have four pies. Yes. 	
MAT	How many have you got girls? 	
LIZ	We have three pies. 	
EMMA	We actually should have four though. 	
LIZ	Yes we have four officially won pies as opposed to one ill gained pie that the boys have. 	
MAT	Well look now your chance to… 	
ROB	Nobody likes a sore loser Liz. Even a disabled one. 	
MAT	This actually is quite a difficult question. 	
LIZ	[Whispers] that pie is mine. 	
MAT	And I’m and by the way we are drinking mulled wine listeners but, of course, all of us are drinking responsibly and we would urge you to do the same this happy Christmas. Who am I asking the next question to? 	
LIZ	That’s such a lie.	
MAT	Well it’s not a lie is it, Liz, because it’s true. 	
LIZ	Yeah. 	
MAT	Yes? Because there’s nothing clever about drinking irresponsibly. 	
ROB	And I can vouch for that because Mat is drinking water as we speak. 	
MAT	I am indeed. 	
ROB	But only because he had a binge on Tennants Super last night and he’s got a stonking hangover. 	
MAT	Ooh so who am I asking the question to? 	
LIZ	Emma. 	
MAT	My darling, darling Emma. Right, quiet please. 	
EMMA	Is it about some bill? 	
MAT	Bill Hook - your uncle. Anyway September witnessed… 	
LIZ	Ooh Royal Variety 1952.	
EMMA 	I don’t get it. 	
GIDEON	No we’re too young Emma. 	
LIZ	No we don’t. 	
ROB	Anyway there’s two nuns in a bath… 	
MAT	Here we go. 	
EMMA	I feel like a scrooge. 	
MAT	September witnessed the Beijing Paralympics, two weeks after the able-bodied equivalent how many, Emma Tracey, medals did Great Britain come home with? 	
EMMA	I know we came second. 	
MAT	Good. I’ll tell you the winner was China who won 211 - hm what do you think? 	
EMMA	200 and something? 	
mAT	No. 	
EMMA	200 and… 	
MAT	No, no, no, no. 	
EMMA	I don’t know. I don’t watch the Olympics. 	
MAT	Am I going to pass it over or are you going to have a stab Liz? 	
LIZ	We got something like 84 golds but altogether… 	
MAT	I’m going to have to… 	
LIZ	176. 	
MAT	Oh afraid not. Chaps? 	
ROB	Do you want me to make a stab at this or do you know? 	
GIDEON	Go on, go on Rob I’ve no idea. 	
ROB	I’m going to go for 172. 	
MAT	Oh if you hadn’t have done the seventy it would’ve been perfect. Afraid not chaps and girls it was 102 medals in total. We won 42 golds, 29 silvers and 31 bronzes. 	
ROB	So we really we came quite a rubbish second didn’t we - we were miles behind. 	
MAT	Well yes but the Chinese did do rather a spectacular first didn’t they? Hm? And good luck to them and well done and congratulations on our Chinese disabled cousins. Rob!	
ROB	Yes. 	
MAT	In October a sex survey ooh by The Observer newspaper revealed the Nation’s attitude to disability and sex. Now what percentage of the population admitted to having slept with a physically disabled person? I’ll give you a hint it’s not as high as you might think. 	
ROB	I would say… 	
MAT	Percentage. 	
ROB	Five. 	
MAT	Very close, very close but unfortunately the... 	
EMMA	Can we try? 	
MAT	Yes indeed girls. 	
LIZ	Four. 	
EMMA	Is it?	
LIZ	Yeah. 	
MAT	Four? Four percent? 	
LIZ	Yes. 	
MAT	Correct! 	
LIZ	Thank you. 	
MAT	Now we’re on five/four no four/four. Four/four okay. By the way did you know that 70% of the respondents said they wouldn’t have sex with a disabled person; and 26% which is, by the way, one in four said they would consider it. 	
EMMA	Ah fair play to them. 	
MAT	That must be all of our partners then. No thanks for laughing Rob but it wasn’t funny. 	
LIZ	I was going to say well you’ve had a few but there’s now pie all over the table. 	
MAT	Next question. In November a new British comedy film with disabled actors in the leading role made the news when the British Board of Film Classification decided to warn viewers that it contained “disability themes” what was it called? 	
LIZ	Is it my question? 	
MAT	Hm. 	
LIZ	Special People. 	
MAT	Correct.	
LIZ	Thank you. 	
MAT	Here’s a blimmin’ pie. 	
ROB 	No it’s not looking good. 	
MAT	Right what’s the pie count because we’re on the last question now? 	
ROB	We have four.	
GIDEON	We’ve got four. 	
LIZ	We’ve got five officially gained pies but we really should have seven. 	
MAT	You’ve got five. It’s more exciting. Okay. Here we go then. December - am I throwing this open? 	
LIZ	Isn’t it Rob’s question? 	
MAT	No to be fair it’s Rob’s question. You’re doing this for all males in the world Rob. December is the month of Christmas everyone’s favourite disabled fictional character, Tiny Tim, featured in Charles Dickins’ A Christmas Carol but what year was it first published? 	
ROB	Oh what? What year was A Christmas Carol first published it would have to be in the late 19th Century so I’m going to go for about, I’m going to go for about 1888. 	
MAT	Ooh what was that didn’t quite hear? 	
ROB	1888. 	
MAT	Okay, three more stabs at it call them out. 1888 is not right it’s too many years near. Anyone else? 	
ROB	Great…	
MAT	Cor this mulled wine goes to your head doesn’t it? 	
EMMA	Can you pass it over? 	
MAT	Sure, sure I can. Here, here it is. 	
eMMA	No the question I meant. 	
MAT	Oh sorry. 	
LIZ	What were you doing carrying a bottle of water round to Emma. 	
MAT	Okay over to you what year was it first published Charles Dickins? 	
LIZ	1884. 	
MAT	No. 	
EMMA	No that’s not what I was going to say. 	
MAT	What were you going to say darling? 	
EMMA	1774. 	
MAT	Wrong! Gideon? 	
GIDEON	I’m thinking later is that really stupid? 	
MAT	Than 1774 no it’s quite sensible. But getting boring. 	
GIDEON	And before 1880 whatever. 	
MAT	Yes. 	
GIDEON	Okay 1875.	
MAT	Oh unlucky. Vaughan you're here taking photos. 	
VAUGHAN	I think it’s December. 	
MAT	It doesn’t say. It was in fact 1843 fascinatingly. The grave of one Timothy Cratchit was discovered by the way in a London church, some claim he’s the inspiration behind the character, this Tim had pox disease, tuberculosis of the spine, lived until his 40s and had a son of his own. It’s those comedy gold statements that I love to be able to say at the end of… oh you’re looking at me like if looks could… oh no you’re just bored. 	
LIZ	You’re mistaking anger for boredom. 	
MAT	So to sum up everybody we’ve got a big heavy festive quizzy celebrity Christmas party pie count of - girls? 	
EMMA	Five. 	
LIZ	Five. 	
MAT	And boys? 	
ROB and Gideon	Four. 	
MAT	Which I’m afraid, listeners, means I have to inform you of the depressing news that women are better than men. 	
EMMA	Hey! 	
MAT	Happy Christmas. 	
LIZ	Goodnight. 	
MAT	And a very special cheer for all the lonely people at Christmas. Hip, hip… 	
ALL 	Hoorah! 	
MAT	Hip hip… 	
ALL	Hoorah!	
MAT	Hip hip… 	
ALL	Hoorah!
[Laurence Clark festive interlude: 
Sleigh bells ring are you listening 
Oh sorry that’s a bit insensitive isn’t it?
Merry Christmas. 
MERRY CHRISTMAS!]

lIZ	That’s the end of the Christmas Party podcast for December. It was our 34th podcast you know. 	
MAT	Wow!	
LIZ	I know, I know. Thank you to our production team this month. We had Damon Rose, Emma Tracey, Vaughan Simons, Gideon Goldberg, studio manager Jo Hutton and executive editor Lucy Lamble. The quiz was written and devised by Kate Ansell.	
MAT	To end the podcast this month we’ve something to get you in the mood for the forthcoming festivities and to help you embrace the spirit of Christmas. It’s a carol from the choir of New College Worcester a school for blind and partially sighted children in the West Midlands. So settle down, get yourself a mince pie and whatever it is else you like to munch at Christmas, some mulled wine, try not to knock over the tree as you do it, and let’s all say… 	
all 	MERRY CHRISTMAS as we listen to Away in a Manager.
[Playing carol]
[Laurence Clark: Happy Christmas to all. And to all a good night]